Are You Doing Too Much? - Part 3
January 27th, 2008 by Poppy
I have found that because I am doing so much, those activities are controlling me, instead of the other way around. This is where the stress kicks in big time, and all the health reports feature research done on the effects of stress – it has been found to be directly responsible for up to 80% of diseases.
When we are busy, most of us tend to skip the home cooked meals, and go for fast food. Also we will stay up late to get things done, therefore compromising our sleep time. And how important is exercise when we’re busy? It’s not, because we’re too tired rushing around to even think about heading to the gym. I get enough of a work out worrying and coping with everything else!
Occasionally I think about what it’s like to be peaceful, to be quiet. To sit and contemplate the universe. Meditation and soul searching are two things I would love to take up, instead of mediating in squabbles and searching for car keys.
I am beginning to wonder if all this is worth the effort. What would happen if I just stopped doing all this stuff? Then the guilt hits – all those people I would be letting down if I didn’t do all this. Sometimes I find I can’t keep it up, and fail to get things done on time. Then I really beat my self up, and throw my efforts into it even more.
How tiring this is! I often don’t have the time or energy to spend just being with my kids or friends. All the important things are shoved to one side in order to do the immediate things, which may not be all that important but they are there, shouting for attention.
The urgent, demanding things and people get more time than the important. I’m reacting rather than making clear headed decisions on how I want to truly live my life.
To make matters worse, people who are able to handle a bigger load than most are admired. Being able to do more in less time is a virtue. We are all in such a rush, hurrying from here to there, trying to have it all. All at once.
We have added to our busy lives all those time saving conveniences, like microwaves, instant coffee, the Internet and mobile phones. All this so we can cram even more into the little time we have. All this technology is allowing us to do something busy every tick of the clock.
It’s not the fault of technology, or our jobs, or our families. The real problem lies with ourselves. We just haven’t said no often enough. We each expect so much from ourselves, and give so much to others. We do this in exchange for the emotional boost we receive when we are openly admired and praised by others for being so busy, so productive. To some people, being so busy means they are wanted and needed, that they are making a difference.
Being busy could mean that you are happy – if I have a lot on my plate, that means I must be worthwhile and popular. I feel more secure if I have a lot to get through.
When I asked my associates and friends about slowing down, most of them said they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves if they weren’t so busy all the time. Many agreed they feel important if they can show others how much in demand they are.
I know I am a perfectionist. I feel if I say no to something that others would think I can’t cope. So I keep saying yes, and forcing my already busy schedule to squeeze in another important commitment. Why is it that, even though I’m exhausted from all this running around, the more I do the better I feel about myself?
I often catch myself thinking that I’m the only one who can save the world – that if it wasn’t for me then everything would come to a grinding halt – nothing of any worth would ever get done if I took a day off. I often want to say no, but then I think that if I didn’t offer to help I would be seen as a lazy person who just doesn’t care.
I need to remember that I have choices, and that next time when I am asked to be involved in something, to stop and think FIRST, before I say yes. I have decided that I am going to practise this line whenever someone asks me to help out or do something new: Oh, that’s interesting. Let me think about it for a while.
Next time when anything is offered, or when a request is made, I can just take a breath, and think before committing without a thought, just to keep someone happy in that moment. I know I have a choice. I will make sure I exercise my choices carefully from now on.
Along with this I know I need to organise my life in a better, more useful manner. And this doesn’t mean I am just going to sort out my appointments diary. It means I will focus my energy and attention on the things I value most in my life, and not to work myself up into a guilt trip about stepping away from current commitments.
I have to keep telling myself that the world will still go on without me at the helm of everything. The things I value most are: my husband, my children, my wider family, my friends, my hobbies. Then in order of importance would come: my home, my job (hasn’t that taken a low peg on the list!) my community groups and charity work.
What ever I have forgotten to include on this list isn’t that important, so I can afford to leave it off.
The next big question is how to tell all those groups and people that I am off to live a life fulfilling my self with those people and activities that are of value to me.
I’m going to write down this list of VITALs (Very Important Things About Life) and keep it on the bedside table to remind me of where I want my life focus to be. That my spouse and offspring are the ones who deserve more of my time and energy than anything else.
I may also add to this list some goals – things I have been wanting to achieve over the past few years but have found my self too busy to get to. Like finishing my accountancy studies, travelling, reading more books for pleasure.
I’m sure that if I can keep these VITALs as my focus, then I will always know when I need to say sorry, can’t help this time. I will know that this new cry for help can go to someone else. If it’s not part of my core list of VITALs then I can say no.
Does this sound a bit selfish? If you call looking after your health and sanity, and looking after family peace and harmony, then I suppose it is selfish to plan to say no to a need for help.
I don’t think this is selfish at all. I can be of no help to those who mean the most to me if I run myself ragged trying to help everyone else. My health, my family and my home are more important than anything else. I’m so glad I have finally established these things as my key priorities now, before it’s too late.
Saying no isn’t that big a thing. The last time I said no was last week when my daughter’s gymnastics coach asked me to go to the gym camp as a supervising parent. 3 days of trying to keep 30 girls in hand. I said no thanks, I wont be able to do that. I smiled and walked off.
Important thing to note here: when I said no, the sky did not fall down on my head, the earth did not open up and swallow me whole, and the coach is still being pleasant to me when I drop my daughter off at training.
My instant reaction was – of course I’ll go! But I stopped for a moment and had a quick think and realised what a huge upheaval it would make to my family and to me to go away for 3 days.
I thought, I wish I could say no to this – so I did. I knew I had a choice and I chose the option that suits me and my priorities best. I know that maybe it wont be so easy every time I am asked to do something and I want to.
I want to enjoy my life, I want to be sure that what I am doing I am giving my full attention to, that I will only hand over cake ingredients rather than risking handing over trash.
I know the only thing that stays the same is change – things and situations are always changing. I know I always have a choice to say no. I’m going to enjoy the times where I am free to stand still and watch the flowers, instead of being is such a rush that I never even notice they have grown.
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